My favourite cryptic clues

May 5, 2012

Capital in Czechoslovakia (4)

The answer is Oslo. Welcome to the world of cryptic crosswords, in which each clue is a word puzzle in and of itself. Originating in the U.K. they are now popular all over the world. I have to admit that I am not very good at them, but I do admire their verbal ingenuity. Here are some examples I found on the internet:

Hitchcock double feature. (4)    CHIN

Not seeing window covering. (5)  BLIND,

It’s machine-washable, but won’t go on the couch. (7, 9)  SHRINK RESISTANT

Gegs (9,4)  SCRAMBLED EGGS

Furious with Peruvian ancestry. (12)   INCANDESCENT

Garden party. (4)  ADAM

Unlocked area. (4,4)  BALD SPOT

Let in or let on (5)   ADMIT

A non-stop flight. (9)   ESCALATOR

Cheese stored in Baroque fortress (9) ROQUEFORT

Bars for a cell. (8) RINGTONE

Either way it’s a small craft. (5)   KAYAK

Little submarine fused together and sank (9) SUBMERGED

Some are fit for a king. (6)  SHEETS

Tales you can also read backwards. (5) SAGAS

What an incompetent deep sea diver must do to get rid of an irritation. (4,2,2,7) COME UP TO SCRATCH.

Eastern European buff (6)  POLISH

When depressed, one gives no impression of character. (5,3)   SPACE BAR

“H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O” (5)   WATER

IST? (10)  CAPITALIST

How to make a sinner thinner. (4)  LISP

Leaves home. (4) TREE

Of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of (10)  OFTENTIMES

Consider an imaginary animal. (4,2,4)  BEAR IN MIND


The worst lyrics of all time

April 28, 2012

I have been trawling the internet and here is my selection of the worst lyrics:

 _________

 Are we human – or are we dancer?

Human -The Killers

 ____

War is stupid

And people are stupid 

War Song – Culture Club

  ____

Only time will tell

If we stand the test of time

Why Can’t This Be Love – Van Halen

 ____

Get up off my genitals

I stay on that pinnacle

Kill you with my lyrical

Call me verbal criminal.

Don’t Stop the Party – Black Eyed Peas

 ____

I don’t want to see a ghost

It’s the sight that I fear most

I’d rather have a piece of toast

Watch the evening news.

Life – Des’ree

 ____

I’m serious as cancer,

When I say rhythm is a dancer.

Rhythm Is A Dancer – Snap

  ____

Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony

Side by side on my piano keyboard, oh Lord, why don’t we?

We all know that people are the same wherever we go

There is good and bad in everyone

We learn to live, we learn to give

Each other what we need to survive together alive

Ebony & Ivory – Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder

 ____

We’re talking A-B-C

I’m singing do-re-mi

I’ll teach you endlessly

Games of Love

We’re counting 1-2-3

I’m writing “U 4 Me”

I’ll teach you endlessly

Games of Love

Games of Love – Boyzone

 ____

There were plants

And birds

And rocks

And things

Horse With No Name -  America

  ____

Lucky that my breasts are small and humble

So you don’t confuse them with mountains

Wherever, Whenever – Shakira

 ____

Someone left the cake out in the rain

I don’t think that I can take it

’cause it took so long to bake it

And I’ll never have that recipe again… Oh, no!

MacArthur Park – Donna Summer

 ____

More sacrifices than an Aztec priest

Standing here straining at that leash

All fall down, can’t complain, mustn’t grumble

Help yourself to another piece of apple crumble 

That Was Then But This Is Now – ABC

  ____

Slowly walking down the hall,

Faster than a cannonball,

Where were you when we were getting high?

Champagne Supernova – Oasis

 ____

You know I feel so dirty when they start talking cute

I wanna tell her that I love her but the point is probably moot

Jessie’s Girl – Rick Springfield

 ____

You’re beautiful

You’re beautiful

You’re beautiful

It’s true

You’re Beautiful – James Blunt

 ____

I am what I am…

A family man

I am what I am…

A family man

Mother… father… brother…

Mother… father… brother…

Family Man – Fleetwood Mac

 ____

And fiery demons all dance when you walk through that door

Don’t say you’re easy on me you’re about as easy as a nuclear war

Is There Something I Should Know? – Duran Duran 

  ____

The wild dogs cry out in the night,

As they grow restless longing for some solitary company,

I know that I must do what’s right,

Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti

Africa – Toto


Prison trivia

April 22, 2012

Here is some prison trivia I found on the internet:

Striped prison uniforms, first introduced in the early nineteenth century, made it easier to spot escapees in a crowd. But they were also intended as a psychological punishment. In the Middle Ages, striped clothes were the pattern of choice for prostitutes, clowns and other social outcasts.

In January 2002, the website Convicts Reunited was started. Here is the blurb from their website: Our Company Convicts Reunited is, to the best of our knowledge, the largest database of convicts and ex-convicts run by ex-convicts, which means we can serve you better by getting more people together. Okay, so the newspapers gave us away. We’re not ex-convicts – although we have been chased out of more than one apple orchard as kids. But what we do have here is a great opportunity to get together and provide something to this online community.

Although criminals have been found guilty for some horrendous crimes against humanity and put behind bars, there still lies a chance for ‘em to show their goodness for our planet at the world’s first ecological prison. Although the idea of a eco-friendly prisons isn’t widespread, a small island tucked away in Norway has managed to bring the fresh green change at the Bastoey prison. The Bastoey Island low security prison uses solar panels for energy, produces most of its own food, recycles everything it can and tries to reduce its carbon footprint. The solar panels have cut the prison’s electricity needs by up to 70 percent. Hoping to install a sense of responsibility in their inmates, the authorities aim to instill a strong sense of responsibility towards mankind and our environment as well. If inmates at this prison do porridge, it is organic porridge. For it is not only recreational drugs that are banned, pesticides are too. Bastoey has also tapped grants from environmental bodies to help it produce high-quality food. Though most of the food is used in the kitchen there, surplus is sold to other prisons too. Touted as the island of hope, this prison has also gained international media attention for its living conditions, resembling a summer camp with activities like tennis, horse riding, and even swimming in the summer, when the North Sea waters warm up. Isn’t it inviting? Maybe this eco friendly luxuriously prison lifestyle is going to tempt many to commit a crime to gain an entry to the ‘island of hope’.

The Interior Ministry in Peru has banned chili sauce and hot spices from prison food. An edict was handed down by the Interior Minister because these items were claimed to “have aphrodisiac qualities” and would “arouse sexual desires.”

Russia’s prisons have a reputation for being the most overcrowded on earth, especially Kresty Prison inSt. Petersburg. The official capacity is set at 3,000, but the actual population is always at least 10,000. Each prisoner is also said to only be allowed 4 square meters of space each and 15 minutes a week (a week!) to shower. In summer 2006 Vladimir Putin announced that the prison would be relocated to a new facility in the Kolpinsky District on the outskirts of Saint Petersburg. After the relocation is complete the Kresty building will be sold at auction. It is anticipated that the prison building will be transferred into a hotel-entertainment complex.

Brixton prison, which was originally called the Surrey House of Correction, was originally built in 1820. Brixton become one of the first prisons to introduce treadwheels in 1821. It is the oldest active prison in London.

In January, prodded in part by outrage over a series of articles in the New York Review of Books, the Justice Department finally released an estimate of the prevalence of sexual abuse in penitentiaries. The reliance on filed complaints appeared to understate the problem. For 2008, for example, the government had previously tallied 935 confirmed instances of sexual abuse. After asking around, and performing some calculations, the Justice Department came up with a new number: 216,000. That’s 216,000 victims, not instances. These victims are often assaulted multiple times over the course of the year. The Justice Department now seems to be saying that prison rape accounted for the majority of all rapes committed in the US in 2008, likely making the United  States the first country in the history of the world to count more rapes for men than for women.

The United States Penitentiary Administrative Maximum Facility (ADX) is a supermax prison in Florence,Colorado,USA. This is the ultimate prison, literally. Since it opened in 1994, ADX is nothing but slow and inhumane torture. Inmates are only allowed out of their cells for 9 hours a week and barely interact with anyone. There’s hardly any sunlight and you have to do everything in your cell. Prisoners are served meals in their cells. The room is mostly poured concrete which ensures the furniture can’t be moved or even humped comfortably. The toilet will shut off if someone tries to plug it and showers work on a timer to cut back on potential flooding. ADX is a prison intended for the worst felons the country has to offer.

Charles Dickens’s father John Dickens was imprisoned in the Marshalsea debtors’ prison in Southwark London in 1824. Shortly afterwards, his wife and the youngest children joined him there. Charles, then 12 years old, was boarded with Elizabeth Roylance, a family friend, in Camden Town. Dickens later used the prison as a setting in Little Dorrit).

Sark Prison is located on the Island of Sark in Guernsey, was built in 1856 and is apparently the smallest in the world. it can house 2 prisoners at a push and is still used for overnight stays – if you continue to play up after that you’ll get shipped off to a proper grown-up jail with corridors and staff.

The land underneath 154 year old San Quentin state prison is estimated to be worth $80 to $100 million, instantly making it the most valuable prison in the world. it occupies 275 acres of oceanfront land overlooking the bay, some say the most valuable real estate in the whole country.

And finally here are some Guinness records:

Longest-serving prisoner on death row: Now 75, Iwao Hakamada (Japan) has been on death row in Japan for 42 years, convicted of murdering a family in Shizuoka in 1968.

Most life sentences: Terry Lynn Nichols (USA) is serving 161 consecutive life terms without the possibility of parole for his part in the 1995 bombing of a federal building in Oklahoma,USA, in which 168 people, including 19 children, were killed.

Longest-serving political prisoner: On May 1, 2009, Nael Barghouthi, a Palestinian sentenced to life in jail, became the longest-serving political prisoner. He began his sentence on April 4, 1978 and has now served more than 32 years in an Israeli jail. Incarcerated at the age of 21, Barghouthi has now been in jail for a decade longer than he was previously free

Longest jail term: On December 23, 1994, American Charles Scott Robinson was sentenced in Oklahoma City,USA, to 30,000 years, the jury having recommended 5,000 years for each of the six counts against him.


Hair trivia

April 15, 2012

Hair trivia

Here is a selection of trivia about  I found in books and on the Internet:

Peter the Great of Russia imposed a beard tax in 1698, later adding a penalty that involved shaving with a blunt razor or being plucked with pincers, one hair at a time.

The Scottish Highlands have the highest proportion of redheads in the world—around one in nine.

The Roman word for beard is barba, which gave us the term barber. Early barbers cut hair and trimmed beards, but they also pulled teeth and practiced medicinal bloodletting. This last procedure required the patient to expose his veins by squeezing a pole painted red to hide the bloodstains. When not in use the red pole was displayed outside wrapped in the white gauze used as bandages, and it eventually became the official trademark of the barber.

Aevin Dugas (USA) is the proud owner of a record-breaking afro. When measured in New Orleans,USA, on October 4, 2010, it had a circumference of 4ft 4in(1.32 m). She trims her afro two or three times a year, and uses up to five conditioners at once when she washes it.

In many cultures shaving is forbidden. The reason we in the West lather up every morning can be traced directly back to Alexander the Great. Before he seized power, all European men grew beards. But because young Alexander wasn’t able to muster much facial hair, he scraped off his peach fuzz every day with a dagger. Not wanting to offend the great warrior, those close to him did likewise, and soon shaving became the custom

The fashion for wearing wigs began with Louis XIII (1601–43) – who went prematurely bald in 1624 – and ended with the French Revolution. Wigs were often as expensive as the rest of a man’s clothing put together.

The iconic locks of American footballer Troy Polamalu (USA) of the Pittsburgh Steelers (USA) were insured for $1 million with Lloyd’s of London by shampoo brand Head & Shoulders on August 30, 2010.

It took four hours for stylists to erect Kazuhiro Watanabe’s (Japan) 41.3-in-tall (105-cm) mohican. The length was verified at the MACRO hair salon in Sapporo, Hokkaido, Japan, on January 10, 2011. The mohawk was an incredible9.8 in(25 cm) taller than that of the previous record-holder from Germany.

The expression “blonde bombshell,” often used to describe a dynamic and sexy woman with blonde hair, came from a 1933 movie starring Jean Harlow.Hollywoodfirst titled the film Bombshell, but because it sounded like a war film, the British changed the title to Blonde Bombshell. It originally referred only to the platinum-haired Miss Harlow, but has come to mean any gorgeous woman of the blonde persuasion.

Lord Byron was irresistible to women. The archive of John Murray, his publisher, contains locks of hair posted to him from the heads and pubic regions of more than a hundred women (including, most famously, Lady Caroline Lamb). Byron would sometimes reciprocate, although he was more likely to send a tuft cut from Boatswain, his Newfoundland dog.

In 2002, researchers at the University of Louisville reported that people with ginger hair require 20 percent more anaesthetic before surgery than people with hair of another colour.

The Oxford Companion to the Body dates the origins of the merkin, or pubic wig, back to 1450. As a measure against lice, some women shaved off their pubic hair and covered the area with an artificial hairpiece. Prostitutes also wore them, though their motivation seems more likely to have been a desire to cover up signs of disease. The Oxford Companion also mentions a tale of one gentleman who acquired the diseased merkin of a prostitute, dried it, combed it well, and then presented it to a cardinal, telling him that he had brought him St. Peter’s beard.

And finally here are some Guinness records:

Longest arm hair: 5.75 in(461 cm) – Justin Shaw (USA).

Longest beard (ever): 17 ft6 in(5.33 m) – Hans N Langseth (Norway).

Longest chest hair: 9 in(22.8 cm) – Richard Condo (USA).

Longest ear hair: 7.12 in(18.1 cm) – Anthony Victor (India).

Longest eyebrow hair: 7.01 in(17.8 cm) – Toshie Kawakami (Japan).

Longest leg hair: 6.5 in(16.51 cm) – Wesley Pemberton (USA).

Longest nipple hair: 5.07 in(12.9 cm) – Douglas Williams (USA).


The Etymologicon #2

March 25, 2012

Here is another selection from The Etymologicon: A Circular Stroll Through the Hidden Connections of the English Language, book which looks at the unexpected connections between words. Here are some of my favourites:

Organic, Organised, Organs

Organic food is food grown in a church organ. Organised crime is crime committed by organists. Well, etymologically speaking.

Once upon a time, the ancient Greeks had the word organon, which meant something you work with. An organon could be a tool, an implement, a musical instrument or a part of the body. For the moment, let’s stick to the musical sense.

Originally, an organ was any musical instrument, and this was still the case when, in the ninth century, people decided that every church should have a pipe organ in it, for, as Dryden put it: ‘What human voice can reach the sacred organ’s praise?’

Slowly the pipe part of pipe organ got dropped and other instruments ceased to be organs (except the mouth organ, which, if you think about it, sounds a bit rude). And that’s why an organ is now only the musical instrument you have in a church.

Now let’s return to the Greeks, because organ continued to mean a thing you work with and hence a part of the body, as in the old joke: ‘Why did Bach have twenty children? Because he had no stops on his organ.’

A bunch of organs put together make up an organism, and things that are produced by organisms are therefore organic. In the twentieth century, when artificial fertilisers were strewn upon our not-green-enough fields, we started to distinguish between this method and organic farming and thus organic food.

The human body is beautifully and efficiently arranged (at least my body is). Each organ has a particular function. I have a hand to hold a glass, a mouth to drink with, a belly to fill, a liver to deal with the poison and so on and so forth. Heart, head, lungs, liver, kidney and colon: each performs a particular task, and the result, dear reader, is the glory that is I.

If you arrange a group of people and give each one a particular job, you are, metaphorically, making them act together like the organs of a body. You are organising them.

Thus an organisation: something in which each person, like each organ of the body, has a particular task. That shift in meaning happened in the sixteenth century when everybody liked metaphors about the body politic. However, crime didn’t get organised until 1929 in Chicago, when Al Capone was running the mob (or mobile vulgatus to give it its proper name – mob is only a shortening).

Buffalo

How did buffalo come to mean enthusiast? What’s the connection between the beast and the music buff?

To answer that, you first need to know that buffalo aren’t buffalo; and also that buffalo is one of the most curious words in the English language.

The ancient Greek word boubalos was applied to some sort of African antelope. Then boubalos was changed to buffalo and applied to various kinds of domesticated oxen. That’s why you still have water buffalo (Bubalus bubalis). Any ox in Europe could once be called a buffalo.

Then the same thing happened to buffalos that had happened to turkeys. Explorers arrived in North America, saw some bison, and wrongly assumed that they were the same species as the European ox. Biologically they aren’t related, and to this day scientists will become all tetchy if you call a bison a buffalo, but who cares? The name stuck.

Now, let’s jump back across the Atlantic and take another look at those European oxen. They were called buffalo, but the name was often shortened to buff. European buffalo used to get killed and skinned and the leather that resulted was therefore known as buff, or buffe leather.

This leather was very useful for polishing, which is why we still buff things until they shine. When something has been properly buffed it looks good, and from that we get the idea that people who spend too much time at the gym running around like crazed gerbils are buff.

An odd thing about buff leather is that it’s rather pale and, in fact, looks very like human skin. That’s why naked people are referred to as being in the buff, because it looks as though they are dressed in buff leather.

Some people really did dress in buff leather, as it’s a good strong material. For example, in the nineteenth century the uniform of the New York firefighters was made from buff and the firefighters themselves were often called buffs.

The firefighters of New York were heroes. Everybody loves a good conflagration, and whenever a New York building started burning the buffs would be called and crowds of New Yorkers would turn out to cheer them on. People would travel across the city just to see a good fire, and schoolboys would become aficionados of the buffs’ techniques for putting them out. These devoted New York schoolboys became known as buffs. Thus the New York Sun said, in 1903, that:

“The buffs are men and boys whose love of fire, fire-fighting and firemen is a predominant characteristic”

And that’s why to this day you have film buffs and music buffs and other such expert buffalos.

Beastly Foreigners

The history of English prejudice is engraved in the English language.

These days the Dutch are considered inoffensive, charming even; but it hasn’t always been so. The Dutch used to be a major naval and trading power just across the North Sea from Britain, and so Holland and Britain were natural and nautical enemies. Even when the two countries weren’t fighting outright battles, the English would subtly undermine their enemies by inventing rude phrases.

Dutch courage is the courage found at the bottom of a bottle, and a Dutch feast is a meal where the host gets drunk before his guests. Dutch comfort is no comfort at all. A Dutch wife is simply a large pillow (or in gay slang something far more ingenious). A Dutch reckoning is a fraudulent price that is raised if you argue about it. A Dutch widow is a prostitute. A Dutch uncle is unpleasant and stern, and only tight-fisted diners insist on going Dutch. That’ll show them.

In 1934 the Dutch government finally noticed all these phrases. They decided that it was too late to change the English language and instead made it a rule that their ambassadors in English-speaking countries only use the term The Netherlands.

The Dutch probably invented their own equivalent phrases about the English, but nobody knows what they are, as the Dutch language is double Dutch to us. Anyway, the English were too busy thinking up nasty phrases about their other neighbours.

Welsh rarebit used to be called Welsh rabbit, on the basis that when a Welshman promised you something nice to eat like rabbit, you were probably only going to get cheese on toast. The English also used to believe that the Welsh were crazy for cheese. Grose’s Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue (1811) records that:

“The Welch are said to be so remarkably fond of cheese, that in cases of difficulty their midwives apply a piece of toasted cheese to the janua vita [gates of life] to attract and entice the young Taffy, who on smelling it makes most vigorous efforts to come forth.”

By the same token, a Welsh carpet was a pattern painted, or stained, onto a brick floor; a Welsh diamond is a rock crystal; and a Welsh comb is your fingers.

When they had finished abusing the Welsh, the English phrase-makers turned their fury on the Irish, who made Irish stew out of leftovers. In fact, it was decided that the Irish were so nonsensical that nonsense itself was called Irish.

Yet the great enemy of England has always been France. We believed the French to be dishonest lechers, which is why a French letter is a condom and French leave is truancy, although here the French have got their own back by calling the same thing filer à l’anglais.

And when the English had got bored with just using the proper names of countries to insult them, they decided to think up nasty names for absolutely everybody.

Pejoratives

Here are some pejorative terms for the European nations and their origins.

Frog Short for frog-eater (1798). Previously (1652) the pejorative for a Dutchman because Holland is so marshy.

Kraut From the German for cabbage. First recorded in 1841, but popularised during the First World War.

Hun meant destroyer of beauty in 1806, long before it became the pejorative for German. That’s because the Huns, like the Vandals, were a tribe who helped to bring down the Roman empire (the actual order was Vandal, Goth, Hun pushing each other from Germany through France to Spain and North Africa). Matthew Arnold called art-haters Philistines on the same basis of naming people you don’t like after an ancient tribe. It was Kaiser Wilhelm II who first applied Hun to Germans in 1900 when he urged the army he was sending to China to mimic the behaviour of their supposed Hunnish forebears and ‘Take no prisoners’, a phrase that’s usually attributed to him, although someone had doubtless said something like it before (‘I’ll be back’ is similarly attributed to the film Terminator). The word was taken up as a pejorative during the world wars as, though the Germans imagined their ancestors to be raffish and rugged, the British thought them beastly.

Wop (1912) American term, from Neapolitan dialect guappo, meaning dandy or gigolo.

Dago (1823) From Diego (obviously). Originally for either Spanish or Portuguese sailors.

Spic (1913) American term for anyone in the slightest bit Hispanic. Derives from ‘No speak English’. Or maybe from spaghetti via spiggoty (1910).


Wacky warnings

March 18, 2012

Robert B. Dorigo Jones is president of the legal reform group Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch. For the last 14 years they have been organising the Wacky Warning Labels™ Contest, which lists the most outrageous warning labels. Here is a selection:

A 12-inch rack for storing compact disks warns: “Do not use as a ladder.

A box of birthday cake candles: “DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity.”

A can of self-defense pepper spray: “May irritate eyes

A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, “Do not drive with sunshield in place

A flushable toilet brush: “Do not use for personal hygiene.”

A dishwasher: “Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher.”

A cartridge for a laser printer:  “Do not eat toner

A popular scooter for children : “This product moves when used.”

A household iron warns users: “Never iron clothes while they are being worn

A baby stroller: “Remove child before folding.

Nytol Nighttime Sleep-Aid: May cause drowsiness.

A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow: “Not intended for highway use

A bottle of swine growth supplement called “Piglet Blast”: “For animal use only.”

A pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists: “Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.”

A popular manufactured fireplace log: “Caution – Risk of Fire”

A motorized go-cart : “This product moves when used.”

An electric drill made for carpenters: “This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

An “Aim-n-Flame” fireplace lighter: “Do not use near fire, flame or sparks

A Yellow Pages book: “Please do not use this directory while operating a moving vehicle.”

A Bluetooth headset “Use of a headset that covers both ears will impair your ability to hear other sounds.”

An electric hand blender: “Never remove food or other items from the blades while the product is operating.

A cell phone “Don’t try to dry your phone in a microwave oven.”


The Etymologicon

January 29, 2012

I learnt about this book, thanks to a fellow teacher. The origin of this book, by the journalist Mark Forsyth, is popular blog The Inky Fool. The Etymologicon: A Circular Stroll Through the Hidden Connections of the English Language is a book for those of us who love QI. Forsyth looks at the unexpected connections between words. Here are some of my favourites:

Sausage Poison in Your Face

The Latin word for sausage was botulus, from which English gets two words. One of them is the lovely botuliform, which means sausage-shaped and is a more useful word than you might think. The other word is botulism.

Sausages may taste lovely, but it’s usually best not to ask what’s actually in them. Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it was a sausage-maker who disposed of the body. In nineteenth-century America, the belief that sausages were usually made out of dog meat was so widespread that they started to be called hotdogs, a word that survives to this day. Sausages are stuffed with pork and peril. They don’t usually kill you, but they can.

There was an early nineteenth-century German called Justinus Kerner, who when not writing rather dreary Swabian poetry worked as a doctor. His poetry is now quite justifiably forgotten, but his medical work lives on. Kerner identified a new disease that killed some of his patients. It was a horrible malady that slowly paralysed every part of the body until the victim’s heart stopped and he died. Kerner realised that all his dead patients had been eating cheap meat in sausages, so he decided to call the ailment botulism, or sausage disease. He also correctly deduced that bad sausages must contain a poison of some sort, which he called botulinum toxin.

In 1895 there was a funeral in Belgium. Ham was served to the guests at the wake and three of them dropped down dead. This must have delighted the undertakers, but it also meant that the remaining meat could be rushed to the University of Ghent. The Professor of Bacteria studied the homicidal ham under a microscope and finally identified the culprit, little bacteria that were, appropriately, shaped like sausages and are now called Clostridium botulinum.

This was an advance because it meant that Kerner’s botulinum toxin could be manufactured. Now, you might be wondering why anybody would want to manufacture botulinum toxin. It is, after all, a poison. In fact, one microgram of it will cause near-instantaneous death by paralysis. But paralysis can sometimes be a good thing. If, for example, you’re afflicted by facial spasms, then a doctor can inject a tinsy-winsy little dose of botulinum toxin into the affected area. A little, temporary paralysis kicks in, and the spasms are cured. Wonderful.

That, at least, was the original reason for manufacturing botulinum toxin; but very quickly people discovered that if you paralysed somebody’s face it made them look a little bit younger. It also made them look very odd and incapable of expressing emotion, but who cares about that if you can remove a few years’ worth of ageing?

Suddenly sausage poison was chic! The rich and famous couldn’t get enough of sausage poison. It could extend aHollywoodactress’s career by years. Old ladies could look middle-aged again! Injections of Kerner’s sausage poison were like plastic surgery but less painful and less permanent. Sausage poison became the toast of Hollywood.

Of course, it’s not called sausage poison any more. That wouldn’t be very glamorous. It’s not even called botulinum toxin, because everybody knows that toxins are bad for you. Now that botulinum toxin has become chic, it’s changed its name to Botox.

Wool

Heckling is, or once was, the process of removing the knots from wool. Sheep are notoriously lackadaisical about their appearance, so before their wool can be turned into a nice warm jumper it must be combed.

It’s easy to see how combing wool and teasing out the knots could be used metaphorically for combing through an oration and teasing the orator, but the connection is probably far more direct and goes to the Scottish town of Dundee.

Dundee was a radical place in the eighteenth century. It was the local centre of the wool trade and was therefore overrun with hecklers. The hecklers were the most radical workers of all. They formed themselves into what today would be called a trade union and used collective bargaining to guarantee themselves good pay and perks. The perks were mostly in the form of alcohol, but that was to be expected.

They were a political lot, the hecklers. Every morning while most of them were busy heckling, one of their number would stand up and read aloud from the day’s news. They thus formed strong opinions on all subjects and when politicians and dignitaries tried to address them, their speeches were combed over with the same thoroughness as the wool. Thus heckling.

Wool is everywhere in language. If you possess a mobile phone you are probably wooling your friends every day without even realising it. You are, after all, currently reading wool.

Or had you never noticed the connection between text and textile?

That you send woolly messages on your telephone and read wool and cite wool from the Bible is all down to a Roman orator named Quintilian. Quintilian was the greatest orator of his day, so great that the Emperor Domitian appointed him as tutor to his two grand-nephews who were also his heirs. Nobody knows what exactly Quintilian taught them, but Domitian soon sent them both into exile.

The two lines of Quintilian that interest us are in the Institutio Oratorico, a gargantuan twelve-volume work on absolutely everything to do with rhetoric. In it, Quintilian says that after you have chosen your words you must weave them together into a fabric – in textu iungantur – until you have a fine and delicate text[ure[ile]] or textum tenue atque rasum.

It’s the sort of thing we say all the time. We weave stories together and embroider them and try never to lose the thread of the story. Quintilian’s metaphor lasted. Late classical writers took up text to mean any short passage in a book and then we took it to mean anything that was written down and then somebody invented the SMS message.

Psychoanalysis and the Release of the Butterfly

With this in mind one can imagine Sigmund Freud sitting in his study in Vienna and considering Psyche, the Greek goddess of the soul and mystical butterfly. That’s what he was analysing (with the stress on the first two syllables), so he decided to call his new invention psychoanalysis. Analysis is Greek for release. So Freud’s new art would be, literally, the liberation of the butterfly. How pretty!

Ciao Slave-driver

The word slave comes from Slav, and though it varies between Western languages the poor Slavs were everybody’s original slave. The Dutch got slaaf, the Germans got Sklav, the Spanish got esclavo and the Italians got schiavo.

Medieval Italians were terribly serious fellows. They would wander around solemnly declaring to each other ‘I am your slave’. However, being medieval Italians, what they actually said was Sono vostro schiavo.

Then they got lazy and shortened it to schiavo. In the north, where they were lazier still, this got changed to ciao.

Then, a few centuries later, the Italians got all energetic and tried to join in the Second World War. British and American troops were sent to tick them off.5 These Allied troops picked up the word ciao and when they got back to their own countries they introduced it into English. It was considered a rather exotic new word. But be wary when you say ciao: however dashing and Mediterranean you may think you’re being, you are, etymologically, declaring your own enslavement.

Ciao has an exact opposite, in the greeting Hey, man. In the United States, before the Civil War had finally established the idea that slavery isn’t completely compatible with the Land of the Free, slave-owners used to call their slaves boy.

The Battle of Gettysburg freed the slaves and produced a memorable address, but it didn’t, unfortunately, come with a socio-economic plan or a new language. Slave-owners weren’t allowed to own slaves any more, but they continued to be rather nasty to their ex-slaves and kept calling them boy in a significant sort of way that annoyed the hell out of the manumitted.

All over America, infuriating white people would address black men with the words ‘Hey, boy’. And it grated. It really grated.

That’s why, in the 1940s, black Americans started taking the fight the other way and greeting each other with the words ‘Hey, man’. The vocative was not inserted for the purposes of sexual identification, it was a reaction against all those years of being called boy.

It worked. White people were so confused by ‘Hey, man’ that the sixties happened and everybody, of whatever race, started calling each other man, until the original significance was lost. This is an example of Progress.

Insulting Names

It’s a funny thing, but Hitler wouldn’t have called himself a Nazi. Indeed, he became quite offended when anyone did suggest he was a Nazi. He would have considered himself a National Socialist. Nazi is, and always has been, an insult.

Hitler was head of the catchily-named Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei (National Socialist German Workers’ Party). But, like the Cambridge University Netball Team, he hadn’t thought through the name properly. You see, his opponents realised that you could shorten Nationalsozialistische to Nazi. Why would they do this? Because Nazi was already an (utterly unrelated) term of abuse. It had been for years.

Every culture has a butt for its jokes. Americans have the Polacks, the English have the Irish, and the Irish have people fromCork. The standard butt of German jokes at the beginning of the twentieth century were stupid Bavarian peasants. And just as Irish jokes always involve a man called Paddy, so Bavarian jokes always involved a peasant called Nazi. That’s because Nazi was a shortening of the very common Bavarian name Ignatius.

This meant that Hitler’s opponents had an open goal. He had a party filled with Bavarian hicks and the name of that party could be shortened to the standard joke name for hicks. (Incidentally, hick was formed in exactly the same way as Nazi. Hick was a rural shortening of Richard and became a byword for uneducated famers.)

Imagine if a right-winger from Alabama started a campaign called Red States for the Next America. That’s essentially what Hitler did.

Hitler and his fascists didn’t know what to do about the derogatory nickname Nazi. At first they hated the word. Then, briefly, they tried to reclaim it, in roughly the way that some gay people try to reclaim old insults like queer. But once they got to power they adopted the much simpler approach of persecuting their opponents and forcing them to flee the country.

So refugees started turning up elsewhere complaining about the Nazis, and non-Germans of course assumed that this was the official name of the party. Meanwhile, all the Germans who remained in Germany obediently called them the Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei, at least when the police were listening. To this day, most of us happily go about believing that the Nazis called themselves Nazis, when in fact they would probably have beaten you up for saying the word.

So it all goes back to the popularity of the name Ignatius. The reason that Ignatius was such a common name in Bavaria is that Bavaria is largely Catholic and therefore very fond of St Ignatius of Loyola, founder of the Society of Jesus, better known as the Jesuits.

The Jesuits were set up in the seventeenth century to combat the rise of Protestantism, which had become the state religion of England. They soon gained a reputation for being very clever indeed. But as the Jesuits’ cleverness was largely directed against the Protestant English, English Protestants took their name, made an adjective – Jesuitical – and used it to describe something that’s too clever by half, and that uses logical tricks at the expense of common sense.

This is a tad unfair on the poor Jesuits, who have been responsible for the educations of some of the most famous men in history: Fidel Castro, Bill Clinton, Charles de Gaulle, Cardinal Richelieu, Robert Altman, James Joyce, Tom Clancy, Molière, Arthur Conan Doyle, Bing Crosby, Freddie Mercury, René Descartes, Michel Foucault, Martin Heidegger, Alfred Hitchcock, Elmore Leonard, Spencer Tracy, Voltaire and Georges Lemaître.

And if the last name on that list is unfamiliar, it shouldn’t be. Monsignor Georges Lemaître was one of the most important scientists of the twentieth century. His great idea, proposed in 1927, was the theory of the Primeval Atom, which of course you haven’t heard of.

That’s because the theory of the Primeval Atom, like the Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei, is a name that never made it. It vanished, usurped by an insult.

The theory of the Primeval Atom asserts that the universe has not been around for eternity, and that instead it started off 13.7 billion years ago with all matter contained in a single point: the Primeval Atom. This point exploded and expanded, space cooled, galaxies were formed, et cetera et cetera.

Many people disagreed with this theory, including the British astronomer Sir Fred Hoyle. He thought that the universe had always been around, and decided to undermine Lemaître’s theory by calling it something silly. So he racked his brains and came up with the silliest name he could think of. He called it the Big Bang Theory, because he hoped that Big Bang captured the childishness and simplicity of the idea.

________

I will be coming back to this book in the future.


QI: A selection #9

October 22, 2011

Here is another selection of trivia that I have picked from the QI column in the Telegraph:

Anosmia (Greek for “no smell”) can be congenital, or can be caused by a severe blow to the head, a virus or vitamin A deficiency. Viral anosmia (such as that caused by a bad cold) is usually temporary. Smell and memory are intimately linked. Damage to the temporal cortical region of the brain – the site of memory – does not affect the ability to detect smell, but prevents the ability to identify it. Patients suffering from Alzheimer’s disease often lose their sense of smell as well as their memory.

Brown sugar has fewer calories because it contains more water. Refiners of white sugar from the United States wrecked the success of brown sugar sales by creating a smear campaign against the stuff in the late 19th century. They produced photographs of horrible-looking microbes living in brown sugar to put people off. In 1900, a bestselling cookbook picked up on this and said that brown sugar was often infested with “a minute insect”.

No one knows why people stopped wearing hats after the Second World War. New hairstyles, the rise of the car, demobilisation – even the new fashion for sunglasses – all took the blame for the sudden abandonment of the hat. At first the hat industry thought hatlessness was a passing fad and newspaper reports of 1948 bemoaned the new “barehead” fashion. People who dared to walk hatless through the hat-making towns of Denton and Stockport risked being abused by local factory workers who saw their livelihoods disappearing.

If you or your children have just started a depressing summer job, fear not. Multi-billionaire Warren Buffett’s first job was at his grandfather’s grocery shop; Bill Murray sold chestnuts outside a grocer’s; Orlando Bloom worked at a clay-pigeon shooting range; Beyoncé Knowles swept up in her mother’s hairdressing salon and Mick Jagger sold ice cream. Brad Pitt dressed up as a giant chicken to promote a restaurant.

The Aztecs called gold “the excrement of the gods”. It was valued less than feathers, their most valuable currency. Decoratively they much preferred brass, introduced by the Spanish invaders.

The French writer Guy de Maupassant (1850-1893) liked to eat lunch in the restaurant of the Eiffel Tower because he hated the structure, and it was the only place he could not see it. He really hated it: “A high and skinny pyramid of iron ladders, this giant ungainly skeleton upon a base that looks built to carry a colossal monument of Cyclops, but just peters out into a ridiculous thin shape like a factory chimney.”

In 1991, to celebrate the bicentenary of Mozart’s death in 1791, Triumph International,Japan’s second-largest lingerie company, made a musical bra with blinking lights which played 20 seconds of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Although their intentions were commendable, the company had made a common error in attributing the piece to Mozart. Although he had composed variations on the tune, the lyrics were written by London-based sisters Jane and Ann Taylor and the melody was originally a French folk tune.

The word encyclopaedia literally means a “circle of learning” and was originally used to indicate a well-rounded education. It was not used as a title for books of general knowledge until the 17th century.

Wombats (Vombatus ursinus) have evolved with special anal sphincters that produce cubic faeces or scat. They use them to mark out their territory, leaving them perched on rocks, leaves and logs. Their shape helps stop them from rolling off.

The shortest nation in Europe is Malta. The Maltese have an average height of 5ft 4ins (164.9cm) compared with the EU average of 5ft 5½ins (169.6cm). Notable short people include Horace, Joan of Arc, Alexander Pope (4ft 6in), Goya, Lord Byron, Franz Schubert (5ft 1in), Leo Tolstoy, JM Barrie (4ft 11in), Judy Garland (4ft 11in) and Yuri Gagarin (5ft 1in). Someone who wasn’t short was Napoleon, who at 5ft 6½in was taller than the average Englishman at the time.

The shortest war in history was the Anglo-Zanzibar War, which took place on August 27 1897 and lasted 38 minutes. When the Sultan of British-administered Zanzibar died, his nephew, Khalid bin Barghash, succeeded him, in direct contravention of the wishes of the British consul, who had suggested another candidate. Undeterred, Khalid climbed into the royal palace through a broken window with 2,000 supporters in tow, raised the Zanzibar flag and proclaimed himself Sultan. The British then issued him with an ultimatum: abdicate or face war. When the deadline expired at 9am the next morning, the British gunships opened fire, bombarding the palace and setting it on fire. Khalid escaped toMombasa, leaving 500 casualties behind him. Only one British sailor was slightly injured.

The longest place name in Europe is on Anglesey: Llanfairpwllgwyngyll-gogerychwyrndrobwll-llantysiliogogogoch. It was cooked up as a publicity stunt in 1860 when thevillageofLlanfair(which means St Mary’s church) opened the island’s first railway station. Local businessmen came up with the idea of creating the longest station sign in Britain, made up of the existing names of the village, a nearby hamlet and a local whirlpool. The world title, however, goes to Bangkok in Thailand, which in 1782 was given a ceremonial name: Krung Thep Mahanakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Yuthaya Mahadilok Phop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Phiman Awatan Sathit Sakkathattiya Witsanukam Prasit.

No one is sure where the name España comes from. It might be from the Greek Hesperia, meaning “western land” or the Phoenician, Hispnanihad meaning “land of rabbits”.Spainis certainly rich in rabbits: the first written reference to the art of ferreting rabbits occurs in Pliny the Elder’s Natural History, which tells of how, in 6BC, the Emperor Augustus sends ferrets to the Balearic Islands to control a plague of rabbits.


Really terrible predictions #2

October 1, 2011

I suppose that some of these may be urban myths but anyway here is another selection:

I’ll be very surprised if there is not some grand square in Baghdad named after President Bush. Richard Perle in September 2003

Rail travel at high speed is not possible because passengers, unable to breathe, would die of asphyxia. Dr Dionysius Larder Irish scientific writer (1793-1859)

Next Christmas the iPod will be dead, finished, gone, kaput. Sir Alan Sugar, British entrepreneur in February 2005.

There is practically no chance communications space satellites will be used to provide better telephone, telegraph, television, or radio service inside the United States.  FCC Commissioner in 1961

As if nations bound together by such economic ties as now unite the countries of the world would ever disrupt the great industrial organism and begin fighting. American economist, John Bates Clark in 1902,

We don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.  Hewlett-Packard’s rejection of Steve Jobs

Against the menace of Japanese economic power there is now only one way out. The time has come for the United States to make common cause with the Soviet Union. Gore Vidal in 1986

That virus is a pussy cat. Dr. Peter Duesberg, molecular-biology professor at U.C. Berkeley talking about HIV in 1988.

Y2K is a crisis without precedent in human history. Edmund X. DeJesus in BYTE magazine in 1998.

The end of everything we call life is close at hand and cannot be evaded. H.G. Wells in 1946

You will be home before the leaves have fallen from the trees. Kaiser Wilhelm II, August 1914

Reagan doesn’t have that presidential look. United Artists Executive rejecting Reagan as lead in the 1964 film The Best Man

By the year 1982 the graduated income tax will have practically abolished major differences in wealth. Columbia University professor Irwin Edman in 1932

Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years. Alex Lewyt in the New York Times in 1955

If anything remains more or less unchanged, it will be the role of women. David Riesman, conservative American social scientist in 1967.

Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?  Harry M. Warner of Warner Brothers in 1927

Before man reaches the moon, your mail will be delivered within hours from New York to Australia by guided missiles. We stand on the threshold of rocket mail. Arthur Summerfield 1959 – U.S. Postmaster General*

*As postmaster general, he oversaw the United States Postal Service’s brief experiment with rocket-delivered mail, a flirtation that crystallized into reality for the only time as “missile mail” with the 8 June 1959 launch of a letter-stuffed Regulus cruise missile from the USS Barbero, a submarine of the United States Navy. Source: Wikipedia.


QI animal trivia

June 26, 2011

This selection is taken from The Book of Animal Ignorance: Everything You Think You Know Is Wrong:

 

Ants boggle the mind. In the jungles where three-quarters of them live, they teem 800 to the square yard, 2.4 billion to the square mile, and collectively weigh four times more than all the neighbouring mammals, birds, reptiles, and amphibians put together. The 12,000 named ant species come in all shapes and sizes: a colony of the smallest could live happily inside the brain-case of the largest. As with bees and termites, their success flows from their social organization, but there is nothing remotely cuddly about ants: they are the storm troopers of the insect world, their ruthlessly efficient colonies operating like a single superorganism

Polar bears aren’t white. Their skin is black, and their fur is translucent–their apparent whiteness is the result of light refracted from the clear strands.

Beavers have a greater impact on their surroundings than any creature other than humans. They build instinctively: put a young beaver in a cage and even without trees or running water, it still mimes the process of building a dam. They can chop down a tree with a six-inch diameter in less than an hour. Some scientists now think the disappearance of the Pennine forests and the creation of the Fens were due to the beavers that lived in Britain until the early thirteenth century (the town of Beverly in York-shire is named after them).

The most sophisticated form of communication other than human language is the work not of an ape but an insect. Honey-bees can tell one another the quality, distance, and precise location of a food source by a complex sequence of movements and vibrations called the waggle dance. And, unlike most of the dolphin or primate languages, we can actually understand what the bees are saying to each other (each waggle, for example, represents about 150 feet from the hive). The discovery of this in 1945 was enough to earn Karl von Frisch the only Nobel Prize ever awarded for the study of animal behaviour. More recent research has filled out the picture. Bees have a sense of time; being able to see in the ultraviolet range makes them more attracted to some flower colours and textures than others; they can learn by experience. They can even recognize human faces. Given that many humans struggle with this once they’ve turned forty, it seems utterly remarkable in creatures whose brain is the size of a pinhead. Yet bees who are rewarded with nectar when shown photographs of some faces, and not when shown others, quickly learn to tell the difference. Not that we should read too much into this. Bees don’t think in a meaningful way. There’s no small talk; they only ever communicate on two subjects: food and where they should set up the next hive. The faces in the experiment were clearly functioning as rather odd-looking flowers, not as people they wanted to get to know socially. Equally, a single bee, however smart, is severely limited in its appeal as a pet, when separated from its hive.

If diversity and adaptability are the measuring stick for success, then beetles are the most successful animals on the planet. There are 350,000 known species, with up to 8 million more out there waiting for names: new species are being discovered at an aver-age rate of one an hour. If you lined up all animal and plant species in a row, every fifth species would be a beetle. There are about 750,000,000,000,000,000 individual beetles going about their business right now.

Unlike most animals, none of the words for “butterfly” in European languages resemble one another: it is schmetterling in German; papillon in French; mariposa in Spanish; farfalla in Italian; borboleta in Portuguese; and vlinder in Dutch.

Cow farts are not destroying the world; unfortunately cow burps are. An average cow burps 600 pints of methane a day, and this is responsible for 4 percent of worldwide greenhouse gas emissions and a third of the U.K.’s. Livestock farming in general creates 18 percent of all man-made greenhouse gases—more than all the cars and other forms of transport on earth. Cows produce one pound of methane for every two pounds of meat they yield. Work is under way to produce a methane-reducing pill the size of a man’s fist, called a bolus, which would dissolve inside the cow over several months. Even so, cattle farming is costly. To make one pound of beef requires thirteen hundred square feet of land, six times as much as to produce the equivalent weight in eggs and forty times what it takes to grow a pound of spuds.

Today, there are nearly four hundred breeds of domestic dog but all belong to the same species: Canis familiaris. In theory, a two-pound Chihuahua only a couple of inches high can mate with a Great Dane more than three feet tall or a 150-pound Saint Bernard. The vast diversity of dogs is down to humans carefully selecting valuable inherited traits but often encouraging unusual ones such as dwarfism or lack of a tail that, in the wild, might prevent a dog surviving long enough to reproduce. Specialized hunting skills were especially sought after. Springer spaniels have the ability to “spring,” or startle, game. The dachshund’s sausage-like body enables it to pursue badgers into their burrows (“badger” is Dachs in German). Labrador retrievers were bred to retrieve fishing nets inNewfoundland. There are harehounds, elkhounds, and coonhounds; leopard dogs, kangaroo dogs, and bear dogs; there is even a sheep poodle. Poodles were originally used for duck hunting: the word comes from the German for “to splash in water.” But dogs are bred for all sorts of reasons. Louis Dobermann, a German night watchman, produced his namesake for watchdog purposes in the late 1800s. Toy varieties, such as the Pekingese, were raised in ancient China as “sleeve dogs”—kept inside the gowns of noble-women to keep them warm.

Ferrets are the only member of the weasel family to have been domesticated, and their popularity as pets is on the increase. On the face of it, this is surprising. Their scientific name, Mustela putorius furo, translates as “musk-bearing stinking thief,” although most of this infamy is inherited. Ferrets are tame European polecats (from poule chat, “poultry cat”), a creature so despised by farmers and gamekeepers that it was hunted, trapped, and gassed to near extinction across most of Britain during the nineteenth century. Also known as the foulmart or stinkmarten, the polecat was the scourge of henhouses, but also helped keep the rabbit and mouse population in check. When they were originally domesticated, more than two thou-sand years ago, it was to exploit this natural aptitude.

In Japan, foxes are sacred to the Shinto religion and “fox possession” is a recognized clinical condition. Symptoms include a craving for rice and an inability to make eye contact.

The Romans exhibited giraffes in their amphitheatres as “camelopards,” assuming they were a cross between camels and leopards.

The word tragedy comes from ancient Greek and means “goat-song.”

Gorillas are the strong, silent members of the ape family. They aren’t as vocal or as flashy with their skills as chimps, but they have better memories and often do things independently rather than simply for a reward. Koko, a female gorilla born at the San Francisco Zoo in 1971, has mastered more than a thousand words in sign language, and seems able to communicate complex emotions like sadness and even make jokes. She describes herself, touchingly, as “fine animal person gorilla.”

It’s often said that emperor penguins mate for life, but in fact nothing could be further from the truth. While faithful for the breeding season and when the chick is being reared, at other times emperor penguins have much lower rates of fidelity than smaller species. At least 85 percent of emperor penguins cheat on their partners. They’re mostly straight, though, unlike Roy and Silo, two chinstrap penguins at New York’s Central Park Zoo, who hit the news when they built a nest together, rejected any advances from females, and raised an egg. Silo eventually left Roy to pair up with a female named Scrappy and may well be the first documented case of an ex-gay or bisexual penguin.

Pigs are highly intelligent. Like dogs they can be easily house-broken, taught to fetch, and come to heel. Pigs can learn to dance, race, pull carts, and sniff out land mines. They can even be taught to play video games, pushing the joystick with their snouts, something that even chimps struggle to master. In the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries “learned pigs,” dressed in natty waistcoats, amazed audiences with tricks. Pigs have even been put on trial and hanged for murder. Maybe it’s this intelligence that some people find unsettling. When a pig fixes you with its long-lashed, forward-facing eyes and sniffs you with its snout (which is two thousand times more sensitive than a human nose), a connection is made that goes well beyond the food chain.

A rat can swim for seventy-two hours nonstop. It can jump down fifty feet without injury. It can squeeze through a half-inch gap, leap three feet, climb vertical surfaces, and walk along ropes. It can survive longer than a camel without water. It will eat anything that’s edible and lots of thing that aren’t (lead sheeting, soft concrete, brick, wood, and aluminium). It reaches sexual maturity at three months. Rats have sex up to twenty times a day, and are extremely promiscuous: an in-heat female can have sex more than five hundred times with a barn-load of different males and produce twelve litters of twenty-two young each year. In short, rats are very, very hard to get rid of.

Only one in a hundred shark species attacks people. In 2005 there were just fifty-eight shark attacks reported worldwide. Only four people were killed. Wasps kill as many people in Britain every year, and jellyfish in the Philippines kill ten times as many. In the United States, both dogs and alligators kill more people than sharks. To put it another way, in an average year in New York there are sixteen hundred cases of people biting people. Sharks have far more reason to be scared of us. We kill at least seventy million a year for food (despite the fact that some shark flesh tastes of urine; both rock salmon and huss are sharks) and for their livers (which are used in haemorrhoid cream).

If spiders didn’t exist, we’d have to invent them; without them, we’d simply drown in insects. Until the late eighteenth century, we just assumed they were wingless insects, but they now have their own class, Arachnida, which contains forty thousand identified species, with as many again, waiting to be named. They were one of the earliest land animals to evolve and are predatory, territorial carnivores: put ten thousand spiders in a sealed room and you will eventually end up with a single fat spider. The mass of insects eaten by British spiders in a year outweighs theU.K.’s human population. And by “eat” we really mean drink: they dissolve their victims first.

It’s a bad idea to kill a wasp: dying wasps emit a pheromone that alerts its nest-mates to danger, so you may be surrounded within second.


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