Writing rules

You may have seen them before but here are some humorous rules to help you improve your writing in English.

  1. Always avoid all awkward and affected alliteration.
  2. When dangling, watch your participles.
  3. Verbs has to agree with their antecedents.
  4. Use delightful but irrelevant extra adjectives and adverbs with sparing and parsimonious infrequency, for they unnecessarily bloat your otherwise perfect sentence.
  5. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
  6. Avoid the use of dyed-in-the-wool cliches like the plague; they are old hat.
  7. Beware of and eschew pompous prolixity, and avoid the utilization of enlarged words when shortened ones will suffice.
  8. Bee careful two use the write homonym.
  9. Beware of malapropisms. They are a communist submersive plot.
  10. Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.
  11. Correct speling is esential.
  12. Don’t use no double negatives.
  13. Don’t verb nouns.
  14. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.
  15. A writer must not shift your point of view.
  16. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
  17. It is incumbent on us to eschew archaisms.
  18. In letters compositions reports and things like that use commas to keep a string of items apart.
  19. If a dependent clause precedes an independent clause put a comma after the dependent clause.
  20. Avoid colloquial stuff, and trendy locutions that sound flaky.
  21. Note: People just can’t stomach too much use of the colon.
  22. No sentence fragments.
  23. Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
  24. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
  25. Avoid commas, that are not necessary, and don’t overuse exclamation marks!!!
  26. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
  27. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
  28. The dash – a sometimes useful punctuation mark – can often be overused – even though it’s a helpful tool some of the time.
  29. The de facto use of foreign phrases vis-a-vis plain English in your written tete-a-tetes is not apropros.
  30. The passive voice is to be avoided.
  31. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
  32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
  33. Avoidification of neologisms strengthenifies your prosification.
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