Riding Pipeline: The Sarah Palin blue movie

There are rumours going round that Larry Flynt has prepared a Sarah Palin-themed blue movie.  It may well be a hoax but you never know with Larry Flynt. The website Radar has published a sneak preview of the script of the film, whose working title is Riding Pipeline. Here’s the first scene. [Caution: graphic content not suitable for children]

 

(Open on the Palin residence, Wasilla, Alaska. Evening. Governor Sarah Palin is sitting on the couch, reading “all of the magazines.” She is wearing a satin negligee and bunny slippers. Her luxurious brown hair is in a bun. Her glasses rest just so on the bridge of her nose. Todd is out of town on business. Trigg is peacefully asleep upstairs. There is a firm knock at the door. Palin puts down her reading material and goes to answer it.)

PALIN: Who is it?

GRUFF MALE VOICE: It’s Joe, the tanning-bed repairman.

(Palin unlocks the door and opens it)

PALIN: Hiya! You were supposed to be here two hours ago, doncha know?

JOE: I’m sorry. My snowmobile broke down outside of Matunska. I had to walk the rest of the way.

PALIN: Well, you’re in luck. I just baked a batch of chocolate-chip cookies. Why don’t you come inside and I’ll fix you a plate of ’em?

(Joe obliges. He takes a seat on the couch. Palin enters the kitchen and returns shortly after with the cookies. She gives them to Joe, but not before looking him up and down.)

PALIN: My oh my. That’s quite a toolbelt you have on. It looks heavy.

JOE: I have a big hammer.

PALIN: Oh, I betcha do. I love a big hammer. But I love screwdrivers, too! And wrenches. The fact is I love and respect all of America’s diverse tools, big and small. They’re what helps make us so great as a nation. Here, let me take that off for ya.

(Palin takes a seat on the coach beside Joe and starts to undo his belt. He stops her.)

JOE: Let’s go take a look at the tanning bed first.

PALIN: Oooh, okay.

(Palin leads Joe to the tanning salon in the basement. Joe carefully inspects the machine.)

JOE: Looks like there are just a bunch of screws loose.

PALIN: (seductively) You’re in luck. I fully support off-shore and on-shore drilling.

(PALIN pounces on Joe and throws him onto the top of the tanning bed. She quickly rips off his jeans.)

PALIN: God almighty! You are hung like a moose. Now I have to eat ya!

JOE: I’m bigger than a moose. Do you have any contraceptives?

PALIN: It’s okay. I already took a morning-after pill.

JOE: Um, are you sure it works that way?

PALIN: Are you asking me if I know what a morning-after pill is? Because I totally do! I’ll get back to ya with specifics.

(The two proceed to make furious love in a multitude of positions. Palin amply demonstrates that she has enough experience.)

PALIN: F**k me harder! HARDER! Pound me until my head is so empty that I can’t even remember the name of the one Supreme Court case I actually know! I want it to burn. Burn like a banned book. Oh God, Oh God, OH MY GOD! MAKE ME SEE RUSSIA FROM HERE!

(After 10 minutes, the two finish.)

PALIN: Wow-eee. I haven’t had a ride that good since Todd took me for a spin on the back of his Yamaha at the Tesoro Iron Dog.

JOE: That was amazing. What now?

PALIN: I feel so alive! Let’s grab my gay friend and go shoot wolves from the safety of a helicopter.

(End scene)

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