There are rumours going round that Larry Flynt has prepared a Sarah Palin-themed blue movie. It may well be a hoax but you never know with Larry Flynt. The website Radar has published a sneak preview of the script of the film, whose working title is Riding Pipeline. Here’s the first scene. [Caution: graphic content not suitable for children]
(Open on the Palin residence, Wasilla, Alaska. Evening. Governor Sarah Palin is sitting on the couch, reading “all of the magazines.” She is wearing a satin negligee and bunny slippers. Her luxurious brown hair is in a bun. Her glasses rest just so on the bridge of her nose. Todd is out of town on business. Trigg is peacefully asleep upstairs. There is a firm knock at the door. Palin puts down her reading material and goes to answer it.)
PALIN: Who is it?
GRUFF MALE VOICE: It’s Joe, the tanning-bed repairman.
(Palin unlocks the door and opens it)
PALIN: Hiya! You were supposed to be here two hours ago, doncha know?
JOE: I’m sorry. My snowmobile broke down outside of Matunska. I had to walk the rest of the way.
PALIN: Well, you’re in luck. I just baked a batch of chocolate-chip cookies. Why don’t you come inside and I’ll fix you a plate of ’em?
(Joe obliges. He takes a seat on the couch. Palin enters the kitchen and returns shortly after with the cookies. She gives them to Joe, but not before looking him up and down.)
PALIN: My oh my. That’s quite a toolbelt you have on. It looks heavy.
JOE: I have a big hammer.
PALIN: Oh, I betcha do. I love a big hammer. But I love screwdrivers, too! And wrenches. The fact is I love and respect all of America’s diverse tools, big and small. They’re what helps make us so great as a nation. Here, let me take that off for ya.
(Palin takes a seat on the coach beside Joe and starts to undo his belt. He stops her.)
JOE: Let’s go take a look at the tanning bed first.
PALIN: Oooh, okay.
(Palin leads Joe to the tanning salon in the basement. Joe carefully inspects the machine.)
JOE: Looks like there are just a bunch of screws loose.
PALIN: (seductively) You’re in luck. I fully support off-shore and on-shore drilling.
(PALIN pounces on Joe and throws him onto the top of the tanning bed. She quickly rips off his jeans.)
PALIN: God almighty! You are hung like a moose. Now I have to eat ya!
JOE: I’m bigger than a moose. Do you have any contraceptives?
PALIN: It’s okay. I already took a morning-after pill.
JOE: Um, are you sure it works that way?
PALIN: Are you asking me if I know what a morning-after pill is? Because I totally do! I’ll get back to ya with specifics.
(The two proceed to make furious love in a multitude of positions. Palin amply demonstrates that she has enough experience.)
PALIN: F**k me harder! HARDER! Pound me until my head is so empty that I can’t even remember the name of the one Supreme Court case I actually know! I want it to burn. Burn like a banned book. Oh God, Oh God, OH MY GOD! MAKE ME SEE RUSSIA FROM HERE!
(After 10 minutes, the two finish.)
PALIN: Wow-eee. I haven’t had a ride that good since Todd took me for a spin on the back of his Yamaha at the Tesoro Iron Dog.
JOE: That was amazing. What now?
PALIN: I feel so alive! Let’s grab my gay friend and go shoot wolves from the safety of a helicopter.