The wit of Steven Wright

American comedian Steven Wright is famous for his witty, surreal one-liners all delivered with his inimitable deadpan delivery. Here are some of my favourites:

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.

Is “tired old cliche” one?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

 I went to a garage sale. “How much for the garage?” “It’s not for sale.”

 I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking“, but I don’t have that much time.

 I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

 I saw a sign: “Rest Area 25 Miles”. That’s pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone…when I came back the entire area was missing.


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