Tim Vine is an English comedian. His stand-up act consists primarily of a series of quick-fire one-liners and puns. On 7 October 2004, he broke the Guinness World Record for the most jokes told in an hour with 499, beating the previous record of 362. Each joke told had to get a laugh from the paying audience to count towards the record. The record was subsequently broken in May 2005 by Aussie comedian, Anthony Lehmann, who managed 549 jokes. Here is a selection of Vine’s material:
I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.
Velcro: what a rip-off!
So I went to the record shop and I said, “What have you got by The Doors?” He said, “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”
I was reading a book- The History of Glue- I couldn’t put it down.
I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”
I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said “I want a skip outside my house.” He said, “I’m not stopping you.”
So I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: I can’t make Tuesdays.’
I went to the doctor. I said to him, “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said, “You’ve got cholera.”
When it comes to cosmetic surgery… a lot of people turn their noses up.
I threw some snow at my girlfriend. She didn’t catch my drift.
Black beauty – he’s a dark horse.
I was chopping carrots in the kitchen when I saw the Grim Reaper. I suddenly realised I was dicing with death’
I never sleep with fish. I’m halibut.
So I went into this video shop, and the man asked if I’d like to rent Batman Forever. I said, “No, just for 24 hours.”
I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said, “’I bet you £5 you can’t guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf.” “I’m not gambling!” I said, “The steaks are too high.”
I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said: ‘”Put it back”
I’ve got a sponge door….don’t knock it.
So I took my dog for a walk and it was really angry – well it would be it’s a cross breed.
So I said to my Mum ‘I’m going to the funfair’.” She said, “Ooh, will you go on the ghost train?” I said, “No, I’ll walk”
I saw a bargain the other day, a TV set for £1. Only problem was the volume control which was stuck on full. Come on, how can you turn that down?
I used to go shoplifting on the shoulders of a load of vampires. Then I got caught and charged with burglary on three counts!
He said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, “That’s a turn-up for the books.”
I went to Millets and said, “I want to buy a tent.” He said, “To camp?” I said [butchly], “Sorry, I want to buy a tent.” I said, “I also want to buy a caravan.” He said, ‘Camper?’ I said [campily], “Make your mind up.”
One arm butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out.
Exit signs – they’re on the way out aren’t they?
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.
You invented Tipp-Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, “Analogue?” I said, “No, just a watch.”
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.
My mate asked me “What do you think of voluntary work?” I said, “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, “Nearest the bull goes first” He went “Baah” and I went “Moo” He said, “OK, you’re closest”
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, “That’s aboriginal.”
One of my squaddies in my army came up to my bunk bed the other day and had a hairdryer against my duvet, I said, “Don’t blow my cover”