Here is a selection of Groucho Marx quotes from different. Some may be apocryphal and other misattributed but here they are:
Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.
Remember men, we’re fighting for this woman’s honour, which is probably more than she ever did! Insulting Margaret Dumont
I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.
A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don’t know.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.
My son’s only half Jewish. Would it be all right if he went in the water up to his knees Responding to a beach club telling him he couldn’t join because he was Jewish.
‘I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
You can leave in a taxi. If you can’t get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If you can’t get a taxi you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.
I love my cigar too, but take it out of my mouth once in a while. Response to a female contestant explaining why she had twenty-two children, and who had said “because I love children, and I think that’s our purpose here on earth, and I love my husband”
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.