Woody Allen quotes

I had a couple of Woody Allen quotes in this week’s post. Here are a few more of my favourites:

From his films:

He never made the ten-most-wanted list. It’s very unfair voting. It’s who you know. Take the Money and Run

[Choosing between freedom and death:] Well, freedom is wonderful. On the other hand, if you’re dead, it’s a tremendous drawback to your sex life. Bananas  

I object, your honor! This trial is a travesty. It’s a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham. Bananas  

Dr. Bernardo: Does it sound mad? That’s what they called me at Masters of Johnsons Clinic, mad. Because I had visions of explorations in sexual areas undreamed of by lesser human beings. It was I who first discovered how to make a man impotent by hiding his hat. I was the first one to explain the connection between excessive masturbation and entering politics. It was I who first said that the clitoral orgasm should not be only for women! They ridiculed me, said I was mad, haha! But I showed them. They threw me out of Masters of Johnson, no severance but, and I had it coming. But I showed them!  Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask

My brain? It’s my second favorite organ. Sleeper  

Dr. Melik: This morning for breakfast he requested something called “wheat germ, organic honey and tiger’s milk.”

Dr. Aragon: [chuckling] Oh, yes. Those are the charmed substances that some years ago were thought to contain life-preserving properties.

Dr. Melik: You mean there was no deep fat? No steak or cream pies or… hot fudge?

Dr. Aragon: Those were thought to be unhealthy… precisely the opposite of what we now know to be true.

Dr. Melik: Incredible.  Sleeper  

Some men are heterosexual and some men are bisexual and some men don’t think about sex at all, you know, they become lawyers. Love and Death

Sex without love is an empty experience. Yes, but—as empty experiences go – it’s one of the best! Love and Death

If it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever. Love and Death

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. Annie Hall

I was suicidal as a matter of fact and would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian, and, if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss. Annie Hall

I can’t listen to that much Wagner, ya know ? I start to get the urge to conquer Poland. Manhattan Murder Mystery

Miscellaneous:

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

[On bisexuality] It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

[On his love for his adoptive stepdaughter, Soon-Yi Farrow] The heart wants what it wants. There’s no logic.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I don’t believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

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One Response to Woody Allen quotes

  1. Alberto says:

    Brilliant!

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