Dorothy Parker quotes

Here is a selection of my favourite quotes by the great American poet, short story writer, critic and satirist:

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That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can’t say No in any of them.

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Of a performance by Katharine Hepburn: Miss Hepburn runs the whole gamut of emotion from A to B.

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I like to have a martini,

Two at the very most.

After three I’m under the table,

after four I’m under my host.

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Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

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Don’t look at me in that tone of voice.

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Responding to a hostess being described as ‘‘outspoken’’: Outspoken by whom?

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You can’t teach an old dogma new tricks.

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Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.

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There’s a hell of a distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.

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Upon being challenged to use the word horticulture in a sentence: You can lead a whore to culture, but you can’t make her think.

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On being told at a party that people were ducking for apples:

There, but for a typographical error, is the story of my life.

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If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.

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If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

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This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

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On being informed that editor Harold Ross had called her on her honeymoon demanding a belated article: Tell him I’ve been too fucking busy – or vice versa.

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The only “ism” Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.

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I don’t care what is written about me so long as it isn’t true.

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If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be at all surprised.

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“Q: What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

A: You can’t hear an enzyme.”

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“Brevity is the soul of lingerie.”

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On her abortion: It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.

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I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

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That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.

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