To all the puns I’ve loved before

Here is a selection of puns I found while researching this post. Some are old friends, others are new.

Mae West

A hard man… is good to find

Good sex is like good Bridge… If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand

I’m the lady who works at Paramount all day… and Fox all night.

I used to be Snow White… but I drifted

Dorothy Parker

What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can’t hear an enzyme.

You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me  than a frontal lobotomy.

Benjamin Franklin

We must, indeed, all hang together or, most assuredly, we shall all hang separately.

A Night at the Opera

Chico: Hey, wait, wait. What does this say here, this thing here?

Groucho: Oh, that? Oh, that’s the usual clause that’s in every contract. That just says, uh, it says, uh, if any of the parties participating in this contract are shown not to be in their right mind, the entire agreement is automatically nullified.

Chico: Well, I don’t know…

Groucho: It’s all right. That’s, that’s in every contract. That’s, that’s what they call a sanity clause.

Chico: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You can’t fool me. There ain’t no Santy Claus.

Oscar Wilde

Immanuel doesn’t pun; he Kant.

The Bellamy Brothers

If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Jon Stewart

I don’t approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.

Carry on Cleo

Infamy! Infamy! They’ve all got it in for me!

Anonymous

My battery had an alkaline problem, so it went to AA meetings

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

Being in politics is like playing golf: you’re trapped in one bad lie after another.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

I brought some cocaine from Limerick, but I was annoyed that the third and fourth lines were shorter than the others.

Bakers, eh? They’re so kneady!

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