Language humour

This week on Facebook I received one of those selections of grammar Jokes that often does the rounds. Even though I had many of them before there were some new ones too. So, I thought I would trawl the web and find my own selection. Here they are:

A dangling modifier walks into a bar. After finishing a drink, the bartender asks it to leave.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. Groucho Marx

Question: Who led the pedants’ revolt?

Answer: Which Tyler.  Anonymous

I before e… except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

To.

To who?

It’s to whom!

Don’t you know the Queen’s English?

Why, yes, I’d heard she was.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day… “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

I used to be structuralist, but now I’m not Saussure.

Pedantic, I? Alexei Sayle

I’m not anti-semantic, some of my best friends are words.

The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

Why should you never date an apostrophe?

They’re too possessive

Did you hear the one about the pregnant woman who went into labour and started shouting, “Couldn’t! Wouldn’t! Shouldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”? She was having contractions.

What happened when the verb asked the noun to conjugate?

The noun declined.

That woman speaks eight languages and can’t say no in any of them. Dorothy Parker

What do you say when you are comforting a grammar nazi?

There, Their, They’re

What is Grammar?

The difference between knowing your shit, and knowing you’re shit.

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